I was talking with my friend Jess the last day. She is 39 years old, soon to be 40. And as if the aging depression alone isn’t enough, she is also in a marriage that has been completely sexless for about 1 year. She and her husband are together for 15 years, and it seems as if he got bored with her (at least when it comes to intimacy).
Anyway her husband has completely lost interest in any sort of intimate activities. She’s first been concerned that he might be cheating on her, but to her best knowledge, he isn’t. He just doesn’t want sex anymore. Like he’s gotten to the stage, where everything else is important – his palls, tennis, work, etc.
I really want to help my friend Jess and also people with this same problem. Sexless marriage just can’t end well. That’s the main reason why I am writing this article. I hope it turns out helpful. I have titled it: How do you fix a sexless marriage? 5 solutions for sexless marriage.
At this point I’d also like to refer you to Dr. Lee Baucom, Ph.D., who is a veteran at marriage therapy and has been doing it for over 22 years. If you feel your marriage is falling apart, I strongly advise you consider him. He’s been able to help hundreds of couples all around the world, and he can do it for your too – Go take actions and save your marriage!
Sexless marriage – can it work?
In rare cases it can. But the short answer is: “No, it can’t.”
Marriage without sex just can’t end with good results. Sex is an important element of every marriage. Without sex, there’s a very high risk of a couple getting a divorce anywhere in the near or further future. And why is that?
Why is sex in marriage important?
- Couples release stress with sexual activities.
- Husband and wife show one another they’re still attracted to them.
- Intimacy bonds a couple. Relationship becomes stronger with sex.
- Certain hormones are being released during sex, which affect mood, happiness, and love.
- There are a dozen benefits to why sex is good and important. Read this article.
You can ignore the problem and pretend everything is just fine. But regardless, whether you’re a man or a woman, you should do something about it. That is if you want to save your marriage. Sexless marriage is not normal. No sex is alarming!
Your partner, not willing to have sex with you, is a big red light that something is not OK in your relationship. It’s true that you have kids now, you might be getting older, you’ve been together for a long long time … but that does not mean sex should end! Occasionally, you still need it. Everyone does.
How do you fix a sexless marriage?
- Make sure your spouse is not cheating.
- Record the events that lead up to your marriage becoming sexless.
- If you had let yourself go, try getting back into shape and regain your charisma.
- Have an honest conversation with your spouse about your marriage issues.
- Start doing things together (go on a date, a trip, visit people, do sports, etc.).
The fact is, you are currently in a sexless marriage. Why, how and when it came to that, is quite irrelevant. We are here to talk about solutions and how to fix a sexless marriage.
Below are 5 solutions of which we will discuss. Each of these 5 solutions may help saving your marriage, and ignite that firing attraction you two once had between each other.
1. Are you sure he/she is not cheating?
I am sorry to begin with this, but too many times when a marriage becomes sexless is due to another person entering an intimate life of your spouse. You can read about cheating spouse and how they act in this article.
Not being interested in you, is a logical consequence – they found someone who satisfies them better, sexually. Sad, depressing, angering, but true. You are getting older, and they might have found someone young, full of energy and sexual desire. Sex for them is not anymore that boring, same old routine, sex anymore. But new, exciting, thrilling sex that makes them feel good about themselves. Just like when you two were a young couple.
Your spouse may be very good at hiding it. Just look at this Reddit thread, where a husband had no idea that his wife was cheating on him with her co-worker. But all the signals were there. And the main one being the one we talk about here – sexless marriage for the past few months.
You should also be aware, that once a person becomes a cheater, they also become pathological liars. No cheating spouse will ever tell you when asked that they are in fact cheating. They will lie, and lie, and have an insane amount of “proofs” to prove it.
I had read on Talk About Marriage forums, how a guy was suspicious at his wife cheating for a while, and then finally caught her texting her lover. It was about her possibly being pregnant and that she’s worried the child might be his. You won’t believe it, but she even tried to lie her way out of that one: “It’s not what you think, I can explain it.” – I’m sure you can, explain it to the front door, while you’re carrying your filthy clothes out.
2. What exactly happened when your marriage became sexless?
I know it is hard, and even harder to remember events that took place so long ago – but try. Try to remember what could have been “the trigger”?
Did anything worth-mentioning happened since you last had sex with your partner? Try to dig into your memory and recall the events.
- Have you two had any fights (bigger than usual) since last sex?
- Did he/she started acting distant in a certain moment (when, why)?
- Had your spouse changed their routine recently?
- Are they still lovable to you even if you’re not having sex?
- Have you asked them the obvious: “Why are we not having any sex lately?”
You are doing this process because you want to find the root cause. What is that real cause that made your marriage sexless? It can also be you. Did you do any radical changes yourself?
It is very hard to get the real truth out of a person, so talking to them rarely works. People are used to telling things that other people want to hear, instead of the truth. You will either get: “Oh no, everything is fine”, or “This is not the right moment to talk about this” … it will be very hard to get your spouse to reveal their true thoughts. The Best way is to rely on facts.
That’s why it is important that you draw a timeline (literally) and write down mayor events that happened in your relationship, which could have affected sex in your marriage.
3. Have you lost your looks and charisma?
You might not take this one well, but, if you stopped caring about your physical appearance than that might be the reason why your spouse does not want to have sex with you.
- Are you constantly walking around the house in same old sweat shirt?
- Have you gained weight?
- Have you stopped shaving?
- Do you fart and belch, right in front of your spouse?
- Do you ever even try doing anything to make yourself beautiful for your spouse?
To fix a sexless marriage, you should care about your physical appearance. He/she married you not only for your personality, but also because he/she were in love with your sexy looks. If you became a disgusting person, drinking beer, eating chips, doing nothing but watching football games, then there’s no wonder you aren’t getting any.
I am exaggerating, but still, it might be that you are simply not attractive to your spouse anymore. To fix a sexless marriage, try to change few things in life.
Here are few tips to become attractive to your spouse again:
- Become positive, smile and try not complaining/nagging a lot.
- Never do disgusting things when your spouse is around.
- Try wearing something elegant even when you two are at home, alone.
- Start doing some sports and get back in shape.
- Give your spouse a compliment here and there.
Also, for women, you can try dressing sexy to surprise your husband tonight. Here you check our sexy lingerie ideas, that will sure blow his mind. I’d like to see a husband who can resist now having sex, with a wife waiting for him in sexy lingerie, high heels and stockings.
4. Did you speak to your spouse about your sexual issues?
And I don’t mean some crappy 2 minute chat, but an honest and comprehensive talk. Communication is the key to every relationship. And if you want to fix a sexless marriage, it is vital that you both talk about your issues.
Grab a bottle of your favorite wine, put two glasses on a dinner table, and sit your spouse down. Tell them that you’d like to have a serious conversation about how to fix a sexless marriage that you two are currently experiencing.
There’s a high possibility that your spouse will refuse to talk, but be persistent. Don’t attack them, but don’t let them not have a talk with you. You must achieve that he/she sits down with you, and you have to achieve that they open up.
Let them know you are not angry or anything, that you just want an honest discussion about your marriage. Tell them that you are worried, that you two had become distant, and that there’s no intimacy between you two anymore. Try getting them to speak about their feelings, and what they think of the current situation. Ask them what they believe could be the reason that you two aren’t having sex anymore. Try finding the cause, and define some actions, steps that you will both take in order to fix your sexless marriage. It is essential that you are a good listener.
The Best thing that can happen is, that you both get little drunk and have wild sex, and making up for all the sexless nights in the past few weeks, or is it months already.
5. Are you and your spouse doing things together?
If you are not doing stuff together, then that can be a problem, which is making a bigger gap in your relationship day by day.
Is she having her own activities that you don’t take any part in? Is it the same in his case? – You know, nobody expects a guy going to aerobics class with a woman. And no woman will ever go and play football with the boys twice per week. It is perfectly normal that partners have their own hobbies. But it is very important that both spouses are supportive and interested in each others activities.
However, besides these individual hobbies, you also need to do things that involve both of you. A healthy marriage consists of couples who are partners during the day and night.
To fix a sexless marriage, I recommend you should try each week:
- Visiting someone together – A friend, parents, sister, brother, cousin, anyone.
- Make a trip for the weekend – Go somewhere nice, like some romantic place, or a concert.
- Try watching one movie together – Let him pick the movie one week, and you pick the movie the next week (take turns).
- Go outside for a walk – Simple things like taking a walk together can be very good for a marriage.
- Shower together – Yeah, you are thinking WTH, but I’m serious, go and have an occasional shower together.
If you’re not doing any of these stuff together, as a couple, than you have a problem. But don’t worry, simply make some changes in your marriage. To fix a sexless marriage, you need to start doing other things together first.
You can’t expect to play solo at everything else but when it comes to sex you expect a partner. It does not work like that. Make sure you two have mutual activities, and sex will also happen when you function as a couple.
The bottom line, I believe, is communication and action. If you found yourself in a situation, where your marriage lacks sex, or is completely sexless for some time now, you have to be able to communicate and be willing to make some changes in your life.
I am very happy to see my friend Jess has been able to recover her marriage, and is now in a good relationship with her husband. I turned out he was distant from her, because he got this idea that she might not be faithful to him anymore. They weren’t communicating, and he was hiding this fear inside his mind. Where he got the idea she might be cheating on him, don’t ask me.
Anyway … In every marriage two people are involved and no situation can be pinned to one person only. It’s not his / her fault, you are both involved in what became of your marriage. So you should both be making steps towards fixing it.
The worst thing that can happen is that one spouse demands changes from the other, thinking how good himself / herself is, and that the other spouse is at 100% fault. That simply won’t go and for sure it will fix nothing.
To fix a sexless marriage, you have to get honest with each other, admit what’s the real problem, and confess everything that you might not be telling. Don’t lie, don’t try to hide things, go full-out and tell your spouse what seems to be the issue.
If you are both willing to take action towards improving your marriage, you can, and you will, save it. And don’t forget, no sex is just a consequence. The reason is usually somewhere else. Fix your issues and sex will come along. Thanks for reading our article “How do you fix a sexless marriage? 5 solutions for sexless marriage“. Now go and have a talk with your spouse.